


Always Her

by jurisan18



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 05:25:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6552805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jurisan18/pseuds/jurisan18
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke has some thoughts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always Her

**Author's Note:**

> Just a kinda sorta fix it fic.

They called her a leader.  The legendary Wanheda.  Mountain Slayer.  Commander of Death.  She went by many names.  None of them mattered.  She didn’t care.  She was so tired.  Tired of it all.  She had never asked for any of it.  When the dropship had fallen to the ground she wasn’t even sure they’d make it out alive.  Was the outside world even survivable?  No one could say with certainty if Earth had been repaired enough to sustain human life.  Clarke had known she was a guinea pig from the start.  They had sent one hundred juvenile delinquents to an uncertain and probable death.  ‘ _What kind of people did that to kids?_ ’ she pondered.   She reflected back to that time.  She remembered the descent from dark skies to unknown terrors on the ground.  One hundred strong willed personalities stuck inside a metal box, all with something to prove.  One hundred different personalities trying to break free from the confines of a strict Ark society now set loose upon an unsuspecting world.  It was chaos.  She was surprised more of them hadn’t died in the beginning.

And somehow, through everything, they had looked to her to lead.  ‘ _Me.  Of all people_ ,’ she thought.  ‘ _I just wanted to sit and draw and explore and NOT die._ ’

So she had accepted what they had forced upon her.  Took the role.  Played the part.  All to keep her people safe.  In the beginning, she really had considered them her people.  They grew up together in the sky.  They bonded as a tribe over their shared experiences on the ground.  They truly had only each other.  No one was looking out for them.  Being monitored by adults circling the world in the safe environment of the Ark was a joke.  She was thrust into the role of leadership before she knew it.  She hadn’t minded, at first.  She almost felt like she born for it.

War was waiting for them on the ground.  And it didn’t really matter, actually.  Everything she knew changed for her the minute she walked into that tent sitting in the middle of the woods and come face to face with the girl who would transform her life forever.  It hadn’t taken Clarke long to come to the realization that being a leader truly sucked sometimes.  Your life was not your own anymore.

She had made decisions.  Sometimes good.  Sometimes not as good.  The overlying theme had always been to keep as many of her people alive as possible.  She tried to think logically.  Plan ahead.  The needs of the many had outweighed the needs of the few.  It didn’t matter though.  Death seemed to follow her no matter what.  She knew she was not a bad person.  Given the circumstances, she tried to do the best she could.  Wanted to be the good guy.  Wrestled with every decision she had made.  No one else was stepping up to make those harsh choices.  And when that someone finally did, Pike turned out to be a far worse leader than anyone could have imagined.  As soon as her back was turned, the group she tried so desperately to keep happy and alive had decided to elect a bitter uneducated tyrant to power.  Pike managed to ruin all Clarke had accomplished in a manner of days.  His choices had been based on mistakes of the past.  He thought he was justified in hurting innocent people he himself deemed guilty by association.  He did not listen to reason.  He didn’t care to.  He had chosen to follow his irrational fears and bring others down his path of destruction.  He wanted to take what was not earned. 

And Clarke was not willing to be a part of it.  Could not be a part of it.

The people from the sky had called the Grounders savage.  Couldn’t understand their ways.  Refused to acknowledge how civilized they really were in comparison.  Maybe they didn’t have the technology but they had so much more to offer.  Sometimes Clarke thought she was the only one who saw that.  Polis really had changed the way Clarke thought of them.  The same could not be said for Pike.  He and his crew failed to see how utterly savage they themselves had become.  Humans had learned nothing in the 97 years they hung in space.

Clarke was just too tired to care about it anymore.  It had been one hardship, one disappointment, after another.  The only bright spot in her life had been Lexa, the fierce leader of the Trikru.  Commander of the 12 Clans.  Watching the strong woman lead with an iron hand and yet save a gentle side for private times with Clarke had been an enlightening experience.  Clarke found herself wanting to be in Lexa’s company more and more.  Found she made the simplest excuses to see the other woman.  Learned from the words Lexa spouted in troubled times and found strength in them.  Clarke actually wanted to be a leader her people could look to.  Lexa played a big part in that.  They worked well together.  Accomplished the impossible together.  Learned from one another.  Listened and communicated on a level she had never thought possible with another human being. 

Somewhere along the way, Clarke reached her limit with defending her own people.  She just couldn’t do it anymore. She couldn’t ignore the powerful feelings growing within her.  She couldn’t help but open her eyes to what was standing before her.  ‘ _Or who_ ,’ she thought, fondly.   To see this beautiful creature standing there, soul bared, hair flowing free and gown clinging to the curves of her body, Clarke became vehemently opposed to putting the needs of everyone else in front of her own.  She learned that happiness was fleeting.  The ground had taught her as much.  She refused to ignore the happiness sitting right in front of her.

Her actions had not always resulted in the desired outcome.  Sometimes emotions got the best of her.  Sometimes it was the thoughts in her head.  Through it all, though, her main driving force was to keep everyone safe.  Living in space was easy.  The ground was harsh, with so many rules they were unaccustomed to.  She didn’t want to fight anyone.  She had never wanted to fight.  She only wanted to live.  To fulfill the dreams of her childhood and live in peace among the trees.  It was the reason why she looked to join forces with Anya, which had subsequently led her to the Commander.  For awhile there, she thought she had that just within reach.  She would look into Lexa’s eyes and see peace there.  She saw the same hopes and dreams reflected back at her.  She found a kindred spirit.  A partner.  A friend.  A lover.  She saw every beautiful thing that life had the potential to be.  And Clarke wanted that so very much.  With Lexa.  Only her.  Always her.

But fate was cruel.

It took Clarke a long time to get over Lexa’s betrayal at Mount Weather.

Except, if truth be told, she knew she was lying to herself. 

She was over it the moment Lexa turned her back on her.  And Clarke knew the reason why almost immediately.  The simple answer was that she understood the situation perfectly.  Her people.  Lexa’s people.  Their damn people got in the way.  She understood because she would have done the same in the other girls place.  She chuckled to herself, realizing how similar they really were.  If positions had been reversed, Clarke knew what her decision would have been.   Her heart would have broken in two.  It would have hurt like hell.  But she knew she would have done the exact same thing.  Because they were leaders and their hearts had no business in war.

The anger she felt gripping her tight and boiling within her was never directed at her Grounder counterpart.  It might have seemed like it to the outside world.  It certainly may have felt like it when Clarke spit on the other girl in a fit of rage.  Or when she held the knife to the taller girl’s throat.  No, it had all come from a place of hurt.  Of having to watch Lexa walk away to save her own people.  Choosing them instead of her.  She knew it was selfish.  She wanted Lexa.  The battle worn and hardened heart within her had begun to soften.  She was open and finally ready to let love take residence there.  She felt so very protective of it.  It was new and unlike anything she had ever experienced before.  It was love.  Real honest love.  So when Lexa walked away she couldn’t help but feel wounded.  She had anger, there was no doubt of that, but it had come from a place of guilt.  Her own actions at Mount Weather causing her pain.  She had fought so hard for everyone.  Their needs ahead of her own.  She had killed for them.  Killed many.  She learned it was just something leaders did.

But she didn’t want to do it anymore.

Her feelings for the other girl had always been there.  Sometimes buried.  Sometimes boiling at the surface.  Their relationship had built slowly, taking a backseat to the war brewing around them.  When she was in Lexa’s presence, Clarke had to mentally push aside the love and the desire threatening to take hold of her whole being.  Had to physically avert her eyes from the sharp features of the other girl.  Soft skin.  Soft lips.  Piercing green eyes.  She caught herself staring on more than one occasion.  ‘ _Maybe we do_ ,’ she remembered the words spoken by the captivating beauty.  Then Lexa had kissed her.  And Clarke couldn’t stop herself from taking refuge in the connection she felt radiating through her.  ‘ _Not yet_ ,’ had turned into ‘ _maybe, someday_ ’.  Then the day came when Clarke felt the last remaining bits of stubborn resolve melt away when she stood silent, almost paralyzed by emotion, as the taller girl knelt before her.  Heard the words of sworn fealty exit Lexa’s perfect lips.  It was the most romantic, most soul baring, most innocent gesture she had ever seen pass between two people.  And Clarke lost the will to fight the feelings surging inside.  Everything that came after just led Clarke to what she wanted most.

Oh, she knew it.  Lexa had her.  Mind, body, and soul. 

And there she was, in bed with Lexa, tangled in the naked embraces of the other girl, thoughts of the outside world forgotten.  She drifted off to sleep.  So warm.  So content.  So happy curled up with the girl who held her heart.  She had been hypnotized by the soft rise and fall of Lexa’s chest as she slept.  Clarke found herself dreaming.  A nightmare.  An ignorant man running around with a handgun.  Unskilled.  Waving the pistol around like a madman.  She watched Lexa get shot.  Accidentally.  Unceremoniously.  Without heroics.  Undeserving.  A stray bullet that found its way to the brown haired girl.  She had collapsed in Clarke’s arms.  She tried her best to save the other girl but when had that ever been good enough?  Lexa was gone before Clarke could grasp the concept.  The man calling himself Fleimkepa had delivered words of reincarnation.  Pointed out the spirit living inside a blue chip.  Like Clarke was supposed to be comforted by the thought?  ‘ _Hell no_ ’, she raged.  She didn’t want someone else.  She wanted Lexa.  Only her.  Always her. 

She felt her black blood stained hands close Lexa’s eyes for their final time when she woke with a start.  Clarke couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks.  Couldn’t stop the uncontrollable shaking of her body.  Her heart felt so incredibly heavy inside her chest.  She turned toward her bedmate, needing to see her.  To touch her.  To feel that she was real.  She was taken by surprise when she caught Lexa staring right at her with those wide green eyes that mesmerized Clarke on so many occasions.  She saw tears streaming down Lexa’s own cheeks.

“I died,” Lexa said softly.  She reached a gentle hand out to wipe tears from Clarke’s face, pushing aside her own grief.  She gave in to the all too familiar and overwhelming urge to take care of the blonde.  And Clarke knew in that moment…knew with every piece of her, every fiber…that Lexa had been plagued by the same dream.  They had shared the same damn nightmare.

It was in that quiet moment alone that Clarke realized Lexa had become more important to her than anything in the world.  The sense of loss the dream had created was unbearable.  She never wanted to relive that sensation.  Never lose Lexa in such a grotesque and unfair manner.  She was smart enough to realize it would shatter her down to her very core and cause irreparable damage.

She knew it seemed hard to accept given their history.  Given her history of always making ‘her people’ into an excuse.  Trying to protect them with all that she had.  She now understood there was something far greater to live for.  To fight for.  To, ultimately, die for.  She had given everything to a group of people who never showed any gratitude.  Who never understood her decisions.  Who never appreciated all she had sacrificed.  She asked nothing of them and in return got finger pointing and blame.  Selfishness even from those she considered friends.  ‘ _Oh but with you there was always quiet understanding and respect_ ,’ she thought, reflecting on times past with Lexa.

Clarke looked into the beautiful eyes staring back at her.  Eyes red rimmed and tinged with tears of sadness.  And Clarke knew…she KNEW she would never leave Lexa.  The other girl had her heart.  Her body.  Her soul.  She loved Lexa in that moment far beyond anything words could say.

She leaned in and kissed Lexa’s sweet full lips and was rewarded with one of those rare smiles Lexa reserved only for her.  Clarke savored the sight.  “It was just a dream,” she whispered.  “It’s okay.  You’re okay.”

She had never seen Lexa look so small and fragile.  So much written in her expressive green eyes.  She could tell stories with her gazes.  “You’re leaving.”  A sad statement.  She was not ignorant of the order she had recently given.

“No.”  The blonde woman didn’t hesitate.  Images from her nightmare flashed through her mind.  The panic.  The fear.  The blood stained rags.  The Travellers Blessing.  Kissing Lexa’s lips that final time.  “No.  I’m not.  I won’t.”

“But…your people?”

“Obviously don’t need me.  They’re making decisions on their own.  I don’t want them.  They don’t want me.”

Lexa’s hand came up once again to place the softest touch along the other’s cheek.  “I want you.”

Now it was Clarke’s turn to smile.  Knew no truer words had ever been spoken.  Or reciprocated.  Her own lips had said the same words in the dream.  ‘ _I want you_.’  Sad words, then.  So frightened.  Wounded and scared and broken.  Lexa was who she wanted.  She knew it from the start, in some form or another.  It took her awhile to realize just how much.  The dream had made things clear.  Lexa left her in the worse way imaginable and Clarke could not and would not accept that.  ‘ _I should have realized it was a dream sooner_ ,’ she thought.  ‘ _I’m a damn healer_.’  There was no way she would sit back and be a spectator to Lexa’s death.  Not when she had the skills to save her.  ‘ _And let’s face it, I have skills_.’  She patched Jasper up like a bee sting had pierced his chest rather than a giant spear.  Everything in Clarke’s heart was telling her that she was making the right decision to stay.  She wanted Lexa.  She didn’t want anyone else.

There would be consequences, she knew.  She wasn’t naïve enough to think otherwise.  Lexa had established a blockade to punish Pike and his followers.  They would never see or accept the move as Lexa’s way of saving lives.  Jus drein no jus daun.  Even though the argument could be made that they deserved to bleed for the lives they had taken.  Lexa’s legacy would be peace.  Clarke would stand by her side to create this new world.  A line had been drawn in the sand and her staying with Lexa would certainly ruffle some feathers.  Both in Polis and Arkadia.  Pike was stubborn and stopped seeing reason a long time ago.  Too much had happened to his crew following their landing on Earth to make him see anything but red.  Bellamy could do nothing beyond the role of loyal soldier.  She used to appreciate that about him.  She couldn’t trust him anymore and no amount of begging or pleading (‘ _or handcuffing me to a table_ ,’ she thought, bitterly) was going to change that.  He had made his choice.  There was also Titus to contend with.  Clarke really wanted to like the guy because she knew he was special to Lexa.  He was like a father to her.  Imparting words of wisdom since she was a child.  But Lexa’s ideas and policies were heading toward a brighter future and he was stuck in the mindset of the past.  He disapproved of Clarke in every possible way.

None of that mattered to her.  She couldn’t be bothered with any of their stupidity.  Their ManPain, as she liked to call it.  She and Lexa would be able to get through anything.  They were stronger together.  Heda.  Wanheda.  She was finally willing to accept her title.  Accept all she had done to receive it.  Proud?  No, certainly not.  But accepting, yes.  The title had led her to this moment with Lexa.  Their paths had traveled the long and winding road to bring them to this precise moment where they could be snuggled together in happy seclusion.  Could be shrouded in the warmth of multiple layers of fur blankets.  Could be surrounded by an obscene amount of lit candles.  Enveloped in love.  True love.

“Should we get up?” the brown haired girl asked.  “They’ll be expecting us in council soon.”

“How about we skip the meeting?  How about we never get up?  Not ever.  You’re the Commander…”  Clarke traced a lazy finger along the lines of the tattoo on Lexa’s arm.  “Tell them meetings been cancelled.”

Playful smile met playful smile.  Lexa shifted closer to the other girl in the bed.  “Ai laik Heda,” a teasing trail of kisses along Clarke’s neck, “no meeting today.  The Ambassador and I will be locked in my room all day doing naughty things to each other.”

“Oh yes, a never-ending list of naughty things,” she breathed heavily, as Lexa’s hand reached down under the covers.  Clarke felt a strong hand squeeze her hip.  Felt Lexa playfully bite at her neck.  “I think you and I have a lot of cancelled meetings in our future.”  Then before losing herself entirely to Lexa’s caresses, a determined thought escaped her lips, “But, my dear, I think once we leave this room you should start wearing a bullet proof vest.  Or maybe full body armor.  On second thought, let’s never leave this room. ”

Clarke smiled the biggest smile she could muster, the last remaining images from their shared nightmare fading away.  She was happy.  They were happy.  She threw her arms around Lexa and pulled the other girl on top of her.  Nothing and no one was going to ruin their happiness ever again.


End file.
